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A guide to Men's Tools
Now I Know What My Problem Is
Aviation Terminology
Why Pilots Prefer Airplanes Over Women

For all you folks who have difficulty converting units:

  1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi          
  2. 1 millionth of a mouthwash     = 1 microscope
  3. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement  = 1 bananosecond 
  4. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram 
  5. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour  =  Knotfurlong 
  6. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
  7. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
  8. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
  9. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
  10. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
  11. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
  12. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone 



What a bullfighter tried to do.

The act of torching a mortgage.

What a crook sees with.

A short, ugly inmate.

A Clumsy ophthalmologist

What a guy in a boat does.

How golfers create divots.

Two physicians

A helper on the farm.

What penguins see with.


A Guide to Men's Tools

  1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
  2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whirls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Sh...!!!"
  3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until they get red hot.
  4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
  5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
  6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
  7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
  8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly as a sub for that 9/16 or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
  9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
  10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
  11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.
  12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
  13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.
  14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
  15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
  16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
  17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
  18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The homebuilder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a droplight, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
  19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
  20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at GM, and rounds them off or twists them off.
  21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
  22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
  23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
  24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts,  and your other hand not holding the knife. 


How I know what my problem is......

I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age-Activated  Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

 I decide to water my garden.  As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

 As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

 I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

 I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

 So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

 But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

 I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

 I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

 As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

 I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

 I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

 I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

 I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

 I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

 Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

 At the end of the day. . .

 ----the car isn't washed,

 ----the bills aren't paid,

 ----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

 ----the flowers don't have enough water,

 ----there is still only 1 check in my check book,

 ----I can't find the remote,

 ----I can't find my glasses,

 ----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

 Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

 I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

 And don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!


 (P.S.   . Oh! . . I just remembered.  I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!)


Aviation Terminology

AIRSPEED - Speed of an airplane. (Deduct 25% when listening to a retired fighter pilot.)

BANK - The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.

CARBURETOR ICING - A phenomenon reported to the FAA by pilots immediately after they run out of gas.

CONE OF CONFUSION - An area about the size of New Jersey located near the final approach beacon at an airport.

CRAB - A VFR Instructor's attitude on an IFR day.

DEAD RECKONING - You reckon correctly, or you are.

DESTINATION - Geographical location 30 minutes beyond the pilot's bladder saturation point.

ENGINE FAILURE - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with low-octane air.

FIREWALL - Section of the aircraft specifically designed to funnel heat and smoke into the cockpit.

FLIGHT FOLLOWING - Formation flying.

GLIDE DISTANCE - Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

HOBBS - An instrument which creates an emergency situation should it fail during dual instruction.

HYDROPLANE - An airplane designed to land long on a short and wet runway.

IFR - A method of flying by needle and horoscope.

LEAN MIXTURE - Nonalcoholic beer.

MINI MAG LITE - Device designed to support the AA battery industry.

NANOSECOND - Time delay between the Low Fuel Warning light and the onset of carburetor icing.

PARACHUTES - The two chutes in a Stearman

PARASITIC DRAG - A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.

RANGE - Usually about 3 miles short of the destination.

RICH MIXTURE - What you order at another pilot's promotion party.

ROGER - Used when you're not sure what else to say.

SECTIONAL CHART - Any chart that ends 25 nm short of your destination.

SERVICE CEILING - Altitude at which cabin crew can serve drinks.

SPOILERS - FAA Inspectors.

STALL - Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late.

STEEP BANKS - Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest.

TURN & BANK INDICATOR - An instrument largely ignored by pilots.

USEFUL LOAD - Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, disregarding weight.

VOR - Radio navigation aid, named after the VORtex effect on pilots trying to home in on it.

WAC CHART - Directions to the Army female barracks.

YANKEE - Any pilot who has to ask New Orleans tower to "Say again".



Why Pilots Prefer Airplanes Over Women

* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.

* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.

* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.

* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

* Airplanes expect to be tied down.

* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

       -  contributed by Burt Swanson, retired Navy Pilot